


cold hands

by salmonpanties



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Teen Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8716105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salmonpanties/pseuds/salmonpanties
Summary: monday 11.40Isak lifted his gaze, and he saw an angel in front of him. Blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, a stunning smile; quite the description of an angel - except, he was in the cafeteria of Nissen Gymnasium, sitting with his friends, eating buns. -Isak knew he liked boys a little bit more than he probably should, but it's nothing he flaunts. Just because he's not that interested in girls it doesn't mean that he's a homo, right? But then he meets Even, who's beautiful, mysterious and exciting. And maybe Even is just the boy Isak has been waiting for?But it doesn't mean that he's a homo.





	1. angels and buns

monday 11.40

Isak lifted his gaze, and he saw an angel in front of him. Blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, a stunning smile; quite the description of an angel - except, he was in the cafeteria of Nissen Gymnasium, sitting with his friends, eating buns.

Isak shook his head, and with a closer inspection he could see that the person was in fact not an angel, only a very, very dazzling young man. His hangover from a weekend of partying, combined with a bible-spam from his mother the same morning, had somehow tricked his mind.

The boy in front of him caught him staring, and Isak immediately lowered his gaze. His friends were chatting about hooking up with girls, and he tried to pay attention again.

Vilde and Sana from their grade came up to their table. The blonde girl was enthusiastically telling them about a group they had started, ironically called “kosegruppa”, and inviting them all to participate the coming Friday.

When they all vaguely declined the invitation, Vilde dramatically exclaimed that them not participating in any activities would lead to a social suicide. As the clearly upset Vilde turned her back to them, Sana gave them a sarcastic smile before also leaving the scene. Isak didn’t know whether or not it was just his imagination, when he felt like Sana gazed on him a little longer than necessary.

As soon as the girls had left their table, the guys started chatting again. Isak shook his head, and decided it was just his imagination. After all, his mind was playing tricks with him today.

When he raised his head to look at the boy again, he was gone.

-

friday 19.15

Isak put his phone into his pocket with a heavy sign. All his friends had totally stood up on him, even though he had promised Sana that they all would come after she kindly had taken care of the narcotics he in a state of panic had dumped at Eva's house.

He hadn't missed the knowing look Sana had given him at Vilde's happy exclamation when she saw him walking through the door. And he hadn't missed the look she gave him when she saw him without any company.

He lifted his head at the sound of someone entering the room. In front of him, tall and handsome, was the guy from the cafeteria. He was wearing a jeans jacket, with a hoody underneath, and his hair was slicked back.

_Fuck, he's kind of hot..._

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, the guy turned his head and met his eyes. Isak quickly bowed his head down. In the corner of his eye, he saw the guy walking past him, to sit down somewhere behind him.

Vilde, Sana and Eva, proclaimed that the group had started, presenting the idea of the “kosegruppa”. Isak stopped paying attention to what the blonde girl said, and as soon as all the people started moving, to mingle, Isak took the chance to flee.

-

friday 23.53

Even. His name was Even. He was a third grader. He was funny and social.  

After he had left the kosegruppa he had met him at the toilets and Even had smiled and invited him to go outside, to smoke a joint. He was such a funny guy. Even though Emma, a girl he had hooked up with during a party, had come out and interrupted, he had still been able to get his number before they parted.

Isak could not sleep. He picked up his phone from the bedside table and tried to find the guy on Facebook or Instagram, but without any luck. He sighed, and put down his phone again. He turned around, face down into his pillow, and made some disgruntled sounds.

Isak knew he liked guys a little bit more than he should.

The first guy he had ever liked seriously was his best friend, Jonas. The curls in his hair, his thick eyebrows, his voice... they were friends, chatting and smoking and just hanging out as regular bros during the day, but then at night came the dirty thoughts and arousal at the though of not being just friends. He knew he had been a bad friend with dirty motives, but it hadn't been his choice; he couldn't help the feelings he got when his best friend smiled at him, even though it was never to be. Jonas was been his best friend, who had been in a heterosexual relationship, no doubt totally straight.

He knew he had had some ulterior motives when he caused the break up between Jonas and Eva, the girlfriend he had had in first grade. Sweet and somewhat insecure Eva, who had been his best friend, who had made a mistake and hooked up with penetrator-Chris from grade 3. She, who then had come to him with teary and trusting eyes, to ask for counsel, and he had totally betrayed her. Jealousy is a dirty feeling.

And then there was Chris. All the things that happened during first grade, the weed, the Yakuza, and the fact that he got to know Chris. The messages, the secret meet-ups...

He had gotten really drunk one time and texted Chris, asked if he wanted to meet up. Chris had invited him over, they had been drinking some beer together and then Chris had muttered something incoherent, and Isak had come closer to ask him to repeat himself. In his drunkenness he had lost his balance and fallen into Chris’s arms, and when he tried to get up, Chris had turned his face upwards and kissed him.

It had been messy, but Isak had not protested, only fallen closer into the older boy's arms, and he had let out a moan when Chris tugged at his hair.

Sitting back with flushed cheeks, Chris had just started laughing and ended it there. Isak had fast fled the scene, filled with deep anxiety that the session would be spread and that he would be the laughing stock the next week. But no one seemed to know, and when he saw Chris on the next Monday, he had just smiled towards the younger boy and Isak had known. And then it had happened repeatedly. It had been nothing more explicit than make outs and grinding, but he had liked it. A lot.

It ended when they were close to Chris's graduation. They were lying on Chris's bed, his own arm grazing the abs on the older boy's stomach. Isak had quietly asked what would happen to them when he graduated, and Chris had simply laughed. Isak's stomach had dropped, and that was it. They never spoke again when Chris had graduated, but he saw him occasionally at parties, making out with girls and even Eva.

And that had been it, innocently enough. Until Even.

Isak had met boys, kissed boys, but it had never been like this. Isak had met the older boy barely two times, but he was already way in too deep. The more he thought about the older boy and the way they had been chatting, the more frustrated he became. With a disgruntled sigh he moved his hand into his pants and thought of Even some more.

-

tuesday 11.16

The next time he saw Even was when he was standing with his friends outside school. He tried to act as though he was listening to the subject, but then the older boy came into his sight and he zoomed out.

He was walking over the school grounds, a white and grey-checked shirt under a blue college jacket, his hair slicked back and a cigarette behind his ear. Isak couldn't stop following him with his eyes, and time seemed to slow down as Even turned his head and met his gaze.

They just stared into each other's eyes, until Even had walked up to his friends and then turned to them. He saw him put on sunglasses and light his cigarette, laugh with his friends, and Isak felt mesmerised and was totally oblivious to what happened around him… until Emma came up in front of him, cutting through his thoughts with her loud voice.

“Hi! Did you get my message?”

She was with her friends, smiling brightly to him. He could see the looks her friends gave each other, and Isak felt like trapped beneath their gazes.

Isak just furrowed his brows in confusion, totally taken aback.

“Sorry, what?”

Emma’s smile faltered a bit, but then she had a wide smile on her face again.

“About the party at my house? This Friday?”

Her eyes were glowing expectantly towards him, as well as her friends’.

Isak coughed, uncomfortable with all eyes on him, and mumbled,

“Oh, uhm, this Friday? No, I don’t think…”

Mahdi quickly interrupted him.

“No, no, you see, Isak is dumb as hell, of course he’d like come; we will all be there!”

Emma laughed.

“Ok, I’ll message you, Isak”.

Isak nodded, and awkwardly waved to Emma as she left with her friends, the girls giggling and whispering to each other. Isak’s head hurt.

Mahdi turned to him with a look of disbelief and exclaimed,

“What the hell, bro? You homo or something?”

Isak almost stopped breathing, and quickly replied.

“Nei, nei, what? She’s just weird, whatever.”

Mahdi told him he was crazy, but dropped the subject. They started walking towards the school building, and Isak threw one last, discret glance at Even, but quickly turned his face forward. Mahdi’s words had struck him. He arranged his face when Magnus began bitching about how Isak got all the girls, laughing when Jonas countered with something sarcastic.

Just because he wasn’t that interested in girls, it didn’t mean that he was a homo. Right?

-

wednesday 03.48

Isak woke up as his phone made a sound. He sighed and muttered to himself that he should have learned to turn of his sound during the night, as he picked up the phone from the bedside table, expecting a message from Magnus or some of the boys. What he hadn't expected was that it would be Even who had texted him.

In a second Isak was wide-awake, staring at the text.

Even Kosegruppa: _I don't sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death_

He read the text once, and then again. He then paused, and just let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Whaat..."

He started typing back, before hesitantly pressing send.

Isak: _halla. You woke me up, thanks._

He sent the message and then lay down again, his phone down. His heart was suddenly beating really hard, and despite what he replied; he was not sleepy in the least anymore.

After a few minutes and no reply, he was almost sure he had fucked up and that beautiful boy would never speak to him again, but then his phone sounded again. Never had he been so quick at unlocking his phone.

He snorted when he read the reply.

Even Kosegruppa: _well excuse me, sleeping beauty_

He was about to type something back, when a new message came up.

Even Kosegruppa: _you're free this Friday?_

Isak almost forgot how to breathe. He ransacked his mind, vaguely remembering making plans about going to a party with his friends. Nevertheless, Isak bit his nail and replied.

Isak: _I’m not doing anything special, I think. Why?_

He then waited for a reply; a nervous feeling in his stomach, but his phone remained silent. He eventually fell asleep with the phone in his hand, clutching to it as though his life depended to it.


	2. what time are you off?

thursdag 11.07

It was lunchtime, and he still hadn't gotten a reply from Even.

He was frequently checking his messages, re-reading the texts they had sent, to try to find some sign – had he fucked up?

His friends were chatting, but he did not pay attention. He was all focused on Even's contact name, staring at the texts as though he could make a message appear through brute force. After a while he noticed that the voices around table had gone quiet, and he looked up. His friends were all staring at him.

"What?"

He hadn't meant to sound so defensive, and tried to blend over it by putting down his phone and ask,

"Sorry, did you say something? I was all up in my thoughts".

Jonas raised an eyebrow.

"You've been obsessing over that phone all day. Who are you texting?"

Before he could reply, Magnus grumbled.

"Is it Emma? I still can't believe that she would be looking at you!"

His tone was dripping with jealousy, and Isak couldn't help but laugh. He put his phone into his pocket and retorted,

"Hey, I can't help these looks! The ladies just go crazy, you know!"

Mahdi laughed, and Jonas rolled his eyes with a smile on his lips. Magnus theatrically glared at him, before winking and breaking into a smile.

Jonas turned to Isak again.

"Anyway, as we were saying... tomorrow? Pre-party at yours, and then going to Emma's?"

Isak stopped smiling immediately. The look on his face made Mahdi ponder,

"Bro, we are hanging at yours before the party, right?"

Isak scratched his ear. He replied with a hesitantly voice,

"Oh, about that... sorry, I can't tomorrow".

Magnus's mouth fell open.

"But, come on, she's your lady!"

Isak inwardly cringed at his words. Jonas had remained quiet for a while, but now spoke in a low voice.

"Ok. What's up, dude?"

Isak swallowed. He felt bad about ditching his friends, and he did not want to lie, but he could not decline Even's offer. He might not have replied last night, but Isak did not want to take the risk if Even really wanted to hang out.

He simply mumbled,

"Sorry, I have some family-stuff I have to take care of".

Mahdi and Magnus still looked disappointed, but Jonas just nodded.

"Ok, we'll come up with another plan, no can do".

Isak felt bad for lying to his friends, especially Jonas, but he shook his head and tried to participate in the conversation. The guys had changed the topic to girls, and Isak did his best to seem interested. His phone felt like it weighted a ton in his pocket.

-

friday 12.16

Once again he was stuck with his locker. He had had this particular locker during both first grade and second, but he still could barely get it to open. His lesson was starting in less than twenty minutes, and he had planned to buy a coke in the café before it started.

He had been struggling for a good three minutes, banging the locker, trying to break in by using his travelling card, but for naught. He paused when his phone sounded, and picked it out of his bomber jacket’s pocket.

Even Kosegruppa: _you need some help with that?_

Isak quickly turned his face, and saw the older boy standing on the other side of the lockers, barely three meters away. Isak felt his face heating up when he realised how stupid he must had looked. He cleared his throat and awkwardly waved his hand, only to immediately curse himself inwards.

_Who the hell waves to someone who’s standing less than five metres away?_

“Hi”.

He wanted to ask how long he had been standing there, but swallowed down the question as Even walked towards him.

“Halla”.

Isak coughed again, suddenly feeling a bit nervous around the older boy. When he looked at his face he couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty, since he felt so captivated by his looks, even when he knew he wasn’t supposed to. Even seemed amused, casually leaning on the lockers, unaware of his thoughts but clearly sensing his nervous behaviour.

Then, Even rescued him from his tormenting thoughts with a simple question.

“What time are you off school today?”

Isak let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding, and couldn’t help but smile a bit, his anxiety quickly blown away with the question.

Even lifted his eyebrows at him,

“I mean, unless you’re busy?”

Isak shook his head quickly.

“Nei, nei. Today is a good day, no, I mean, I have no plans. I mean I’m off 13.45!”

He paused for a second, before continuing with a question.

“What time are you off?”

Even smiled to him, his eyes crinkling.

“I’ll text you later, I think your recess is over soon”.

And with that he straightened up and banged his hand into Isak’s locker. The locker flew up in front of him, and Isak could feel his heart beating really loudly in his chest.

He turned to look after Even, who just kept walking as though he had all the time in the world. With the picture in his mind, he picked up his phone.

He swore when he saw the time. 12.29

“Fan, I’ll be late!”

He pulled his biology-book out of his locker with another swear, and then slammed the locker. He also saw a bunch of texts from his mates, and he swore once more. But even though he would get problems if he fucked up his attendance, he couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth to turn upwards as he started running to class.

-

friday 17.21

Isak was sitting on the condo’s sofa and drinking a beer, only half-listening to Eskild chatter about a boy he had met.

Even had not texted yet, but he had got plenty of messages from his friends, who were using their Facebook-chat to make plans about the evening. Isak wondered if it was some kind of revenge because he had stood up on them, but he didn’t mind. Reading how Mahdi and Magnus was declaring that they would totally hook up this evening did amuse him, and it did also take his mind of the fact that the one he was expecting a text from remained silent.

Eskild got his full attention when he shoved his phone into Isak’s face.

“Ok, but admit that this guy is hella fine”

Isak was staring at someone’s Grindr-profile, a twenty-three year old guy with the name Kashim. In his photo he was standing in front of a mirror, flexing his muscles and wearing only underwear. He had short hair and bushy eyebrows, and Isak did for a short second think he was somehow looking like Jonas.

Isak inwardly growled at himself, and at once turned his eye from the profile.

“I don’t know, probably?”

Eskild sighed at him.

“Isak, you can say that another guy looks good without being gay, you know”.

Isak glared at him.

“I said he’s probably fine, didn’t I?”

Eskild just gave him meaning look and sighed, turning back to the text conversation he was having.

The older guy snorted to himself, and once again spoke to Isak.

“He says he’s not gay, just looking for some experimenting. Just you wait, he’ll come out of the closet soon enough”.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Eskild, why do you assume that everyone is gay?”

The older guy side-eyed him, before starting to type again.

“No, Isak, I do not assume anything. I just have a really good gaydar”.

Isak’s phone signalled a new text. It was Even.

Even Kosegruppa: _halla. You still up to hang?_

Isak paused and flicked his eyes to Eskild. He wet his lips, before asking,

“Ok, then. How do you know if someone is gay?”

He looked at Eskild, who quietly sighed, but put down his phone and turned his face to Isak.

Eskild scratched his neck, looking as though he was searching for words.

“Well… I mean, it’s a real give-away when a guy has a Grindr-profile. But it’s also less visible things that signal that he’s a homo”.

Eskild paused, before continuing.

“I mean, if the guy kind of flirts with you or stares at you for no apparent reason, you know?”

Isak glanced down at the message, and started writing a reply, his stomach suddenly feeling as though there were flying a thousand butterflies inside him.

“Though, some people are just that way with everyone, I suppose”.

Eskild picked up his phone again, smiling at the messages he had gotten. Isak himself pressed send.

Isak: _yeah, I can hang_

To refrain himself from smiling when he immediately saw that Even was typing back, he took a swig from his beer. Next to him Eskild mumbled to himself.

“But if it’s supposed to happen, it will happen…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still hung up on that fucking episode,  
> but i believe that it will work out.
> 
> Being mentally ill does not equal not  
> being able to feel genuine feelings.
> 
> Love,   
> Tove


	3. windmill, windmill

friday 18.12

Isak tried to calm himself down, as he arrived at the door of Even's apartment.

When his breathing had gone back to normal, he lifted his hand to knock, but his knuckles had barely grazed the rough wood, before the door flung up. In front of him stood Even, in a white tee and grey jeans. His hair was in a messy shape, like he had spent the minutes before Isak's arrival on his bed, but Isak thought he looked amazing.

Even smiled at him and said,

"Welcome! Please come in".

Isak realised he had been staring, and looked down, walking past Even through the door.

"Don't mind if I do".

-

friday 18.43

One and a half beer later, and slowly feeling the high of a shared joint on Even's windowpane, Isak didn't feel half as awkward anymore.

They were chatting about whatever, joking and laughing. Now and then Isak sneaked some glances at the older boy in front of him. Now, when he noticed the handsomeness of him, he didn't inwardly shun himself; he just inspected the boy. The plum lips, the fair and spotless face, the blue eyes - he was attractive and Isak didn't really find his objection wrong, it was simply a fact.

After a while the older boy caught his glance, and for a moment or two they held contact. Isak thought of the fact that their lips had indirectly touched through the joint and he felt his cheeks burning up again. He had to look away for a second, take another sip of his beer can.

> _Love forever, love is free_
> 
> _Let’s turn forever, you and me_
> 
> _Windmill, windmill for the land_
> 
> _Is everybody in?_

He could feel Even’s eyes on his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to meet them just yet. The music playing from the kitchen suddenly made the situation feel weirdly intimate, and Isak frowned inwardly at himself and his weird thoughts.

As he felt fingers tapping his leg, Isak forced himself to look up. Even smirked at him, as if unaffected by the tension created by Isak. He wondered to himself if maybe he was the only one who felt it, which would be just typical. Isak, the king of awkwardness. His train of thought was stopped as Even adjusted his grip on Isak’s knee and leaned forward. Isak swallowed, suddenly captivated by the pretty boy getting closer and closer to his face.

Even stopped a few centimetres from Isak’s face, so close he could feel his breath on his face. He smelled of beer and marijuana. Even licked his lips, and Isak didn’t know if it was from the high or for real, but he could swear that the older boy’s eyes shifted from his eyes to his lips.

> _So don’t stop, get it, get it_

Even opened his mouth and spoke with a breathy voice,

“You hogging that joint, or?”

Isak raised his eyebrows and blinked a few times, and then remembered the joint in his hand. He couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, and the tension flowed out of his body, as if it had never been there in the first place.

“Oh, shit, lost in my thoughts, here you go man”

He raised the almost burned up joint, and Even took it. He took a drag and blew out the smoke in Isak’s face, and he almost shuddered as Even gripped his leg harder, before leaning back and flicking off the joint.

His leg felt cold from the absence of Even’s hands, but he didn’t feel as awkward any more.

Not when Even looked at him like that.

-

friday 20.17

Somehow, they had ended up on the floor, surrounded by several cans and bottles of alcohol, and shirtless. Isak didn’t know who first had decided it was way too hot in the apartment, but somehow they had both agreed and there they were.

Isak felt out of his mind, both from the alcohol and from the view of the boy next to him on the marble floor. As time had passed, and he noticed that nothing bad came from it, he let his gaze stay on the toned body of Even.

As Isak looked at the older boy, letting his gaze travel along his abs, to his light nipples, to his beautiful collarbones, to his plum lips, he could feel eyes on himself as well.

He forced his gaze from Even's lips to his blue eyes, he was met with them staring right back into his. Isak could hear a voice in the back off his head telling him to tear his eyes away, don't be weird, that the older boy would be able to read his dirty urges, but with the calming high in his head he found himself unnerved by the fact. He could feel his heart beat loudly in his ears, as he watched Even's face, he wanted to stroke his hair out of his face, to fully see the other boy's expressions, he wanted to touch him. He wanted to touch him...

His arm was raised, half way to the older boy's face, when Isak's phone rung. And then the magic was broken.

Isak jumped up from the ground as if burned, suddenly in a hurry to get his phone. He didn't even bother to check the call-Id as he found his phone among his shirts, just pressed answer and brought it to his ear.

"Hi Isak!"

Dad.

Isak signed, and replied.

"Hi, dad".

His dad started talking about the money for the rent and if he had visited his mum lately. Isak listened with half an ear, as he looked at Even. The older boy had raised himself up on his elbows, still half naked and with a lazy smile on his lips. Isak blushed.

"Thanks. And no, I haven't spoken with her, I will, yes".

He hung up shortly after, but he couldn't raise his gaze towards Even. He felt shy and flustered again.

The older boy got up from the floor and walked to him, until he was right in front of him. Isak took a breath, but looked at him.

Again, he felt blown away by the pretty boy. The light hairs over his stomach, his sharp jaw, the big eyes glowing at him. He felt as though his stomach was filled with small butterflies.

He tried a small smile, sighed at the boy above him.

"Yeah, i think it's time for me to leave"

-

friday 23.57

Isak couldn’t sleep.

He aimlessly scrolled through instagram, not really paying any attention, as he thought about the evening.

Before he had left the apartment, Even had stopped him with a smile. He had put a hand on his arm, grabbing it lightly. Isak had felt the heat radiating through the fabric of his jacket.

"Let's do this again, yeah?"

Isak had felt his tense mind ease, and he had smiled back, nodded. 

And the smile had lasted until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is such a boring chapter i'm so sorry but i just wanted to get this story started again,,
> 
> uhm. let me know if anyone wants me to keep going? I have a few plans, what to do, but idk if anyone even cares about this story haha. 
> 
> love,  
> tove


	4. he's just some nerd

sunday 14.33

 Isak had sent a message to Even during the late Friday hours, but it wasn’t until mid-day to days later that he received one back from the older boy.

 Isak was lounging with Jonas in the brown-haired boy’s room, lazily watching as his best friend shot zombies on his TV, when his phone vibrated. He picked his phone up from the bed cloth next to him.

 Even Kosegruppa: _would you rather: have sex with a goat, but no one knows you did it or not have sex with a goat but having everyone thinking you did it?_

 Isak scoffed at the message. Even was a slow replier, as he had noticed from the short time they had been talking, but when he did text, it was usually something totally random; and such was the case now.

 He paused for a second, a ghost of a smile on his face, before he started typing a reply. He didn’t noticed how Jonas had paused his game at the sound of his laughter and now was watching him with an eyebrow raised.

 Isak: _hello there. Uhm, that is a very… interesting question… dude, I’m not answering that_

Isak couldn’t help but shake his head, as he put down his phone on the bed again. _Seriously, what the hell_ , he thought to himself, but still he was smiling. Then he noticed Jonas eyes on him, and he rearranged his face and made a questioning expression,

 “What?”

Jonas still had one of his thick eyebrow raised, creating creases on his forehead. He put down the controller on the floor, and turned his whole body toward the bed. Isak looked down at him from his place on the bed, suddenly feeling a bit nervous as his friend looked at him from the floor.

Jonas crossed his arms over the end of the bed, resting the top half of his body. He had a confused expression on his face.

“Yeah, I was just… anything going on lately, bro?”

 Jonas looked a bit unsure, and Isak felt himself tensing up.

 “Well… no, why?”

His friend shrugged from his place at the end of the bed.

“I don’t know, you just seem a bit… “Off” lately?”

Isak crossed his own arms.

“I’m not really following, how do you mean?”

In reality Isak could kind of guess. Ever since he had started talking with Even, he often felt a bit uninterested in whatever went around him, even when he was with his friends. Sometimes he got lost in thoughts during conversations, and his friends almost had to shout at him before he got his head out of the clouds. But those weird feelings and thoughts he wasn’t about to spill to Jonas.

“You know… you aren’t really with us all the time, you know? I don’t want to impose, but I mean, you’re always texting someone, and, well…”

Isak felt his face turning into a scowl. He was about to open his mouth, talk back, as Jonas continued.

“Has it something to do with your mum? I mean, I totally get it if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m here for you, man, - you’re my best friend, you know”.

Isak blinked at the boy in front of him. Jonas looked a bit embarrassed, but he wasn’t averting his gaze; he kept the eye contact. He suddenly felt really bad for his annoyance just seconds earlier.

 “Er… yeah, that’s it. I’m sorry for being closed off; my mum and dad are just really on my case right now”.

 Even if part of him felt bad for not telling the exact truth, his tension slowly slipped away as Jonas suddenly seemed more at easy, his creases disappearing from his forehead. Jonas smiled at him, and he did smile back as his friend began turning back to his TV, obviously content with the answer.

 Just as the game was being started, Isak got a reply from Even.

 Even: _I’m deeply offended. I’d obviously fuck the goat to keep my reputation._

Isak let out a snicker.

 Isak: _well, your secret is safe with me, goat-fucker_

As he put down the phone again, he heard a small snicker from Jonas as well.

 “I guess it is Emma you texting, huh? Magnus would be so mad”.

 Isak faked a laugh and made a comment back, but the fact that it wasn’t genuine Jonas didn’t seem to notice.

 -

Måndag 08.43

 Isak walked through the school gates. It was a warm morning, the weather still refusing to accept that summer was over and change into autumn, but it was a perfect morning to wear a t-shirt and only a thin jacket.

 Isak spotted Even with his friends by the gates as he walked. He didn’t know the thirdgraders Even was chatting with, so he thought he’d probably just walk pass and enter school, but Even spotted him at the same time he did. The older boy made a gesture, waving him over, so Isak reluctantly did.

 As he arrived to the group of boys, most of them had turned their attention to him. He felt a bit awkward, interrupting their conversation, but still he smiled toward them.

 “Halla”

 Even smiled back.

 “Halla. Gutta, this is Isak”.

 He introduced them, and the older boys nodded to him. Isak kept his gaze on Even though, discreetly checking the boy out. He was wearing his jeans jacket with a white tee underneath, his hair made back and a cigarette in his hand. He looked good, Isak decided a bit flustered.

 After the introductions, Even turned to him again.

 “What time you starting?”

 Isak shoved his hands into his pockets, hoping that Even hadn’t noticed him looking.

 “09.15”

 Even nodded.

 “Ok, well, same. I’ll go with you”

 Even nodded at his friends, and then Isak found himself walking with Even toward the entrance. He liked the feeling of Even dissing his friends to walk with him to their classes, a strange satisfaction filling his stomach.

 As they made it to Isak’s locker, they slowed down. Even smirked at him.

 Isak raised one eyebrow.

“What?”

Even leaned toward the lockers.

 “Well, I just wanted to wait and see if you could get that locker open, since you had such troubles last time”.

 Isak felt like smirking back, but he kept his face straight. With the same neutral expression on his face, he unlocked his locker and with a push by his shoulder it slammed open. He now allowed himself to grin at the older boy.

 “Well, there you see, suppose I don’t need you anymore then”

 Even laughed at that. Isak felt his grin getting wider at causing the older boy to laugh.

 Even put his hand on Isak’s shoulder.

 “Well, I can tell you’re trying to get rid of me here…”

 He leaned closer, so the last part of his words was whispered into his ears.

 “But it won’t be that easy”

 Isak felt the breath against his cheek, smell of cigarette smoke finding its’ way into his nose, and he was frozen.

 Even patted his shoulder once, his face was now the one wearing a self-satisfied grin. He began walking past Isak.

 “See you around, sassy boy”

 Even laughed from behind him, clearly sensing how he had left the younger boy a nervous wreck behind him.

 -

Måndag 11.25

 Somehow Isak had made it through the first class, but he had not felt so very concentrated.

The feeling of Even’s breath on his cheek, his smell of cigarettes and cologne and something totally unique, had left him a shaky mess. Thankfully, his teacher had left him alone.

He was now sitting in the cafeteria with his friends, eating a lunch consisting of a toast and a coke. He could feel himself disappearing in his thoughts, but he tried attending in the conversation, remembering his talk with Jonas from the day before.

He took a sip from his can of coke, when he heard his name.

It was Magnus speaking.

“Oh, yeah, by the way, Isak?”

Isak put down his can, and raised an eyebrow, gesturing for him to continue.

“This morning… Who was that guy you were hanging with? By the lockers?”

In that moment, as he felt his cheeks unwillingly heat up, Isak was glad he had put down his drink. He couldn’t help but cough at the sudden question though.

His friends were now all expectantly looking at him, and Isak allowed himself to take a subtle breath before answering.

“Err… oh! Well, he’s not really anyone…” 

Magnus and Mahdi looked confused, and Jonas wore a sceptical face. Isak tried a smile and continued; clearly sensing his friends wasn’t content with the answer.

“Or, well, he’s just a guy from Vilde’s kosegruppa…”

Isak took a pause, and decided to avert the conversation from him.

“… Which, by the way, she wanted me to ask you about – when are you guys joining?”

Isak did find it kind of comical how his friends went from staring at him, to avoiding his eyes in one second. Magnus started talking about Vilde though, exclaiming that it must mean something that she was asking about him.

Mahdi scoffed.

“Man, you know she was asking about all three of us”

Isak let out a genuine snicker at Magnus offended outburst at this. Though, he hadn’t noticed how Jonas was still watching him, with a thoughtful and somehow worried expression on his face. But as the dark-haired boy noticed how Isak actually participated in the playful banter and no longer seemed as distracted, he shrugged and went on to laugh with the rest of the boys as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... Jonas doesn't seem to convinced that Isak is ok, does he? 
> 
> Sorry for another short chapter! I just wanted to get the party going.   
> I'll try to update at least once a week.
> 
> And as always, comments are rly appreciated, they inspire me to keep writing, etc, etc
> 
> Love,   
> Tove


	5. u looked rly nice tday

Wednesday 10.01

It was now the third day in a row that Even had spotted him on the school grounds, and had walked him to his locker. Somehow, their schedules seemed to match, and they had a small chat before walking to their respective classrooms.

Hanging out with Even before their morning lessons now felt natural, though he still felt a bit awkward about dragging Even away from his friends at the school grounds. Though, if Isak was being completely honest, it did feel good, as if Even rather wanted to be with him than his friends, even though they had only been chatting for a few weeks. It filled him with a sense of pride.

Isak had noticed that Even didn’t seem to understand the concepts about personal space at all, and he often touched Isak in subtle way as they walked, but for some reason Isak couldn’t find himself minding it too much. The touch of the older boy was something he secretly enjoyed, even if it only was small things like their arms bumping into each other as they walked, or Even grabbing his shoulder and leaning in close to his face as he bid farewell.

He was texting with Even behind his computer, as his teacher talked on and on about the human body. Sana was sitting next to him, since they were now project partners after the narcotics incident.

Even Kosegruppa: _ah, yeah, forgot to tell you, but you looked rly nice tday._

Isak put his hand over his mouth, to stop himself from smiling. He couldn’t stop his cheeks from heating up though. _Calm down, Isak, it doesn’t mean anything, chill,_ he told himself.

As he was about to answer the text he noticed Sana looking at him expectantly. He quickly locked his phone, and put it screen-down on the desk.

“Uhm. What?”

Sana glanced down at his phone, and gave him an unimpressed eye cast.

“You didn’t listen at all, did you?”

Isak shrugged, and Sana sighed heavily.

“Well, luckily for us, I did. Pick up your book; we’re going to go over the questions on page 246 in pairs. I hope you at least read the pages we had for homework?”

Isak frowned at her.

“Yeah, of course I did”.

Sana still wore a judging expression on her face, and Isak decided he actually was in the wrong. He picked his book from underneath his computer, and opened the page.

“Sorry about that. Let’s go on answering these questions then”.

Sana gave him a glance, but as she saw he seemed genuine, she gave a small smile and started reading the question.

“Question one, describe the difference between tissue and organs…”

-

Wednesday 15.08

It wasn’t until Isak was home, that he realised that he hadn’t replied to Even’s text. He had totally forgotten about it, thinking that it probably was Even that was slow as usual, but when he unlocked his phone, he saw the lonely message shining up at him. He lie down on his bed, and read it again. _You looked rly nice tday_ … Isak felt his cheeks heating up again, and as he was alone in his room he allowed himself to actually smile at the cute message.

The fact that Even had walked with him that morning, and actually noticed how he had put extra effort into his appearance, brought back the butterflies into his stomach.

Isak: _hi, thank you… you didn’t look too bad either. Sorry, had to put away my phone before I could reply this morning, my classmate looked ready to bite my head of and I wasn’t risking that lol_

Isak put the phone down with an even redder face. He actually had called the older boy attractive, or well, almost. He lie down on the bed, closed his eyes, but his phone vibrated not even half a minute after he had clicked send.

He sat up and grabbed his phone. And sure, it was Even again.

Even Kosegruppa: _no worries, you did scare me tho, thought u died or something. and oh? Thank you ;) probably for the best that u put down ur phone tho. Wouldn’t want those pretty curls of urs gone 4ever_

The message had Isak biting his lips. He glanced at the door, fully aware that no one was home yet, but still he got up and locked it, before going back to the bed.

 _Don’t let it get to your head_ , Isak scolded himself. But still he couldn’t stop the voice in his head, which whispered dirty things to him. Told him that it indeed was a flirtatious message, and that him reacting to the thoughts of the older boy finding him attractive wasn’t uncalled for.

And reacting he did. Isak bit his lip again, reaching into his tightening pants as he replied to the message.

Isak: _Mad? Me? I’d never… Especially not since you seem very concerned about my health, or, err, the health of my “pretty curls”?_

Quickly before he could change his mind, he clicked send. He tried to assure himself that Even was the one who started writing like that, and if he could, then Isak probably wouldn’t come off as creepy or, well, gay.

He heard his phone vibrate again, but this time he let his imagination run free. With a groan, Isak adjusted his grip on himself. The thought of Even liking his hair, quickly lead to the imagination of him touching and pulling his hair. Isak let one of his hands curl into the locks of his hair, imagining it actually was the older boy’s hand grabbing him like that.

His phone vibrated again, and the thought of Even getting impatient with waiting for his replies was what finally sent him over the edge.

-

Thursday 8.30

The Wednesday’s get-off session lead to Isak coming to his senses and realising that it in fact was Jonas who had texted him and that Even actually hadn’t answered; also it was what had him arriving to school about twenty minutes earlier than he used too. He wasn’t sure he was ready to meet the older boy, the embarrassment from the day before too big. Even had eventually replied a few hours later, but by then Isak already felt like dying and did not reply to his message this time. He still couldn’t believe that he had actually gotten off to vivid fantasies about the older boy… that was both creepy and gay. The thought made Isak feel a bit sick to his stomach.

He crossed the gates and looked across the school grounds and thanked whoever had him so lucky that Even wasn’t there. He didn’t go to his locker this morning, just went right to his classroom and waited outside until his teacher came and let him in.

-

Thursday 14.43

“… And I swear; she was totally looking at me during lunch. She wants me so badly, I can totally tell!”

Magnus loud voice rang out over the street, causing people standing by the school gates looking at him in wonder. He himself didn’t seem to mind, and Isak and the guys were just laughing at his confidence.

“Yeah, bro, I’m totally sure Vilde wants you so bad. The last few times you’ve been chatting with her you have really used that charm, damn”.

Magnus frowned at Isak’s words, but they kept laughing and soon Magnus couldn’t help but join in. They were soon at the spot where they usually parted, Isak going for the tram to the condo and the boys kept going, when Magnus exclaimed loudly again.

“Oh, Isak, isn’t that you lady!”

All of them turned to where Magnus was gesturing, and there was Emma, standing with her friends by the tram stop. Magnus smirked and nudged him in the side.

“How’s it going with you two?”

All three of them looked expectantly at him, and Isak felt his face turning into a grimace.

“Well…”

Emma and her friends noticed them looking, and they all gave him a sour glare. He supposed he was an ass for totally ignoring her messages, but he just wasn’t interested and didn’t really care. His friends saw the look as well, and Mahdi raised an eyebrow.

“Honestly? You get yourself a fine girl and then you manage to fuck it up after no time at all? Truly aspiring, Isak, I bow down to you”.

Magnus wasn’t much later with his criticism.

“Next time you get a girl, introduce her to me! I’m a nice guy!”

Isak rolled his eyes. Jonas gave him a small smile and patted his back.

“Good job, man”.

Isak gestured toward the tram stop with another eye roll, not really in the mood to play around; test his waters with this topic.

“Whatever you say, I told y’all she was weird though. But, yeah, see you tomorrow, gutta”.

And so they parted, and Isak tried his best to ignore the group of girls glaring daggers at him. He picked up his headphones from his pocket, and untangling them gave him enough distraction from the angry girl gang to keep him until his tram came. Thankfully they didn’t board it, and Isak could take it easy the way home, listening to his music, just close his eyes.

-

Friday 8.33

Isak arrived to school earlier this day as well, still not in the mood to meet with the older boy yet. Even had texted him during the night, some old school-meme, but Isak had left him on read, still feeling gross and awkward.

Isak crossed the school gates, scanning off the grounds, but the older boy wasn’t there to be seen. With a low sigh of relief, he made his way to the entrance. He was almost at the door, when he felt a hand on his shoulder, stopping him in his march.

Before he had turned around he knew who it would be behind him, and as expected there Even was, smiling at him.

“Halla”

Isak turned to him.

“Oh, hi there”

Even looked at him in a moment’s silence, before gesturing toward the school entrance. Together, they started walking.

Even started talking again, as they made it to the door.

“So… how’s it going? Haven’t seen you since, well, Wednesday”.

Isak scratched his ear, as Even opened the door for them.

“Sorry, I’ve been kind of busy… studying for a test”.

Even raised both his eyebrows at him, a small smile at his lips. Isak just nodded furiously.

“Oh, really? What’s your test on?”

Isak put his hands into his bomber jacket’s pockets, grabbing for his locker key.

“Uhm, yeah… physics”.

Even nodded, as they both halted at Isak’s locker. Isak took the chance to glance at the boy next to him, as he unlocked it. He wore his jeans jacket with a black polo underneath, but what caught his gaze was the indigo gem around his neck. As he shovelled his things into his locker, he decided to go for it.

“I like your necklace”.

Even blinked and looked down on his chest, as if he didn’t know he was wearing it. Then he looked at Isak again, a smile so bright Isak himself couldn’t help but move the corners of his own lips upward.

Even made a quiet laugh, grasping his fingers around the charm.

“Thanks, got it from my best friend. She said it matches my eyes”.

 _She_? Isak felt his smile falter a bit, even though he knew he had no right to feel jealous. But Even had turned to look at the clock on the wall, and didn’t notice the feelings going around in the younger boy’s head.

As Even turned to him again, he lifted his hand to tap Isak’s shoulder. Once again Isak was a bit surprised to feel the heat spiralling through his jacket, spreading over his body.

“I guess I must go, my Norwegian class starts in a few minutes”.

Isak nodded, about to close his locker, as Even did that thing again, leaning closer to him. With the older boy’s face so close to his; he could count every eyelash and every birthmark on his face.

“And please let me know if you’re going to be gone for a while. It was only like one day, but I felt I was going mad”

Isak froze, and Even smiled again. From behind his back the older boy said with a playful voice,

“And good luck with your test… if you ever need a study buddy, I’m sure I have lots of things to teach you… about physics, you know”.

Isak was left shunned until a while after Even had left; only staring shocked into his locker. Everything the older boy said to him was making his brains fry.

Isak also arrived five minutes late to his morning class, but he really didn’t mind. He wasn’t able to concentrate anyway, his brain going back and forth because of Even. Thank goodness it wasn’t physics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this until tomorrow... but then I got impatient, since I'm almost finished w chapter 6, and I felt like, yeah. So i've posted two fics in one day... if u a fan of voltron, pls check my fic "These Are The Monsters Of Yesterday" ok xoxo
> 
> I'm sorry Isak for letting u go through that embarrassing sinful experience--- i'm a bad mother. anyway. after this the story will actually... go somewhere... yeah... i think. lol
> 
> pls can someone also teach even to spell like  
> (jk that's actually how I chat)
> 
> anyway, comments make me inspired to write ;))) coughcough
> 
> love,   
> tove xx


	6. like the others

Sunday 00.24

Isak walked through the room’s of the third grader’s home, pressing his body forward through the sea of youths. Forward, forward. He had somewhere during the night lost his friends, and his phone was since long lying dead in his pocket. But somehow, in his drunken and high mind, he couldn’t really find himself minding it too much. He was suddenly bigger than life itself, but still somehow stuck inside himself. He walked through the rooms filled with happy, sad, drunk people, craving air, not needing it at all, being mortal and immortal at the same time. Some Swedish band played in the speakers, and Isak felt as though it was the words of his soul.

> _A middle finger to death_
> 
> _As we walked over corpses_
> 
> _And showed off our love_
> 
> _Our rich inner lives_
> 
> _But the tickets to heaven_
> 
> _Were sold out when we got there_
> 
> _And the price we had paid_
> 
> _To be classified as elite_
> 
> _Was that we became like the others_
> 
> _We became like the others_

Isak arrived to the living room, and miraculously found an empty spot on the sofa. He threw himself down, and in his lack of tact he also managed to spill half of his beer over himself, from the can in his hand. He swore at himself, as the liquid soaked through his jeans. From next to him, a girl giggled.

”Good job”.

He turned his head. Next to him a brunette sat, in the lap of a hidden boy. Eva.

Isak shrugged awkwardly at his former best friend. They hadn’t really spoken since the so-called “ _Jonas-situation_ ”. Isak swallowed, and as he figured she didn’t seem angry or such, he tried a small smile.

”Thanks”.

She smiled at him, looked like she was about to say something, when the boy she was sitting on made her halt and lean back. Isak just sat awkwardly next to them, as she giggled at something he said. He sipped on his beer. Just as he had decided to bid his farewell and try to find a spot with someone he did not have weird history with, Eva shifted to the side and Isak could see whom she was with.

As Isak made eye contact with no one other than P-Chris, he almost swore out loud, and spilled more of his beer on his lap. Eva laughed drunkenly at his clumsiness, but Chris just looked at him, not breaking eye contact. Isak was panicking. As Chris raised an eyebrow, Isak felt he had ad enough, and he got up and excused himself. Eva jumped up from the older boy’s lap and hugged him, ever the happy drunk. As she put her arms around his back, murmuring small and incoherent things into his ears, Chris kept that weird expression on his face. Isak scowled at him, but changed it into a smile as Eva let go.

After that he just went home, not in the mood for partying no more.

-

Sunday 11.02

The next day, Isak woke to find several messages on his phone. He just scrolled through the messages from his friends, but paused as he saw a message from one particular person.

(Received 00.28)

Even Kosegruppa: _yo, boi_

Even Kosegruppa: _did I just see u at Bianca’s house?_

About twenty minutes later Even had texted again.

Even Kosegruppa: _oh, nvm, maybe it wasn u? lol_

Isak sat up in his bed, rubbed the sleep from his eyes before he started replying.

Isak: _halla. Yeah, that was probably me. My phone’s been dead, and I left kinda early_

He paused for a second, before typing another message.

Isak: _a shame I didn’t see you as well. Had been fun_

He put the phone on the bedside table, and got up from his bed. He picked up a shirt from the floor and walked out from his room. Damn, was he thirsty and craving cardamom?

-

Monday 01.30

Even Kosegruppa: _I knew it was u. u looked nice in that cap :)_

_-_

Monday 11.34

When Isak was sitting in the cafeteria with his boys, his phone vibrated. He let the three other continue the conversation about what had happened during the Saturday, their experience obviously sounding better than Isak’s had. But he hadn’t really shared the thing with Eva and P-Chris. Some things were better to keep to oneself, he figured.

Even Kosegruppa: _see u_

At the message, Isak’s head flew up almost immediately. He almost furiously looked around the room, to try to find the older boy. Jonas noticed his movements, and scoffed at him.

“What are you doing, man?”

Isak didn’t really pay attention, just mumbling back an answer.

“Nothing, really…”

And then he spied Even in the other end of the room, sitting with his friends. Isak had to break out in a smile at the older boy, feeling silly but content at spotting him. He sent a reply.

Isak: _yeah, found you._

He saw the third grader pick up his phone, smirk at the content, before shooting him another look and turning to his friends again. Isak felt himself smiling, before tuning in to the conversation again. Magnus and Mahdi was still in a heated conversation of what had actually happened during the Saturday with a couple a girls, but Jonas looked expectantly at him.

“Who’s that?”

He said with a nod to Even. Isak felt his smile turn stale, and turned down to his sandwich, suddenly very interested in checking the salad between the bread slices.

“Err, just that guy from Vilde’s group, you know…”

He could feel Jonas look at him again, nodding.

“Oh, right. Didn’t know you were close though. Introduce us some time, maybe?”

Isak glanced up at his best friend, but Jonas didn’t seem suspicious of the information. Isak nodded with a smile, even though he knew he’d never in the fucking world introduce them. As Isak started taking part in the conversation about Magnus apparent exploits, he did remind himself to be more careful in the future, before someone actually started suspect something for real. But then he had to stop himself, give a re-reminding that his relationship with Even actually was nothing for anyone to actually be suspicious of. Right?

-

Tuesday 08.49

This morning he had not seen Even on the school ground, so he walked to his locker on his own this morning. The weeks had gone quickly by, now it soon was to be Halloween, posters showing up all over the school, informing about various parties and hangouts during the “spooky season”.

Isak scoffed at the posters, not really interested in such events, as Even made an appearance in front of him.

“Hi, tiger”

The older boy was wearing a black bomber jacket and a pair of light jeans. His hair was tucked back with a pair of sunglasses, despite the lack of sun this particular day. Isak nodded at him, closing his locker.

“Halla”

Even was wearing a little smile on his lips. He gestured toward the party-sign plastered over Isak’s locker.

“You going?”

Isak raised an eyebrow at him, shrugging before giving his reply.

“Don’t think so…”

The taller boy raised both his eyebrows at him. Isak felt a bit flustered under his inspecting gaze. He shrugged again.

“Or I don’t know. Are you?”

Even smiled at him again, just about to answer, as a voice interrupted him from behind his back.

“Yo, Isak, could a borrow your physics book for my lesson?”

They both turned toward the voice, and Jonas looked expectantly at him from his locker a few meters away. Isak saw how the dark-haired boy glanced at Even, and couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous.

Isak realised it had gone quiet and he was expected to give an answer, so he cleared his throat and opened his locker a second time.

“Sure, bror. Don’t need it today anyway”

As he gave the textbook to his best friend, Jonas raised an eyebrow at him, subtly gesturing toward Even. _Oh, the introduction, right_ , Isak growled inwardly.

He turned to Even again, awkwardly clearing his throat again. The older boy was once again wearing that amused grin of his. Isak spoke.

“Oh, right. This is Jonas. Jonas, Even. Even, Jonas”

Jonas nodded to the older boy, who responded with another smile.

“Nice to meet you, fun to finally know the name of the guy this one seems to have his panties in a twist over”

Isak turned to him, suddenly flustered, and punched his friend’s arm. Jonas just laughed.

“What, I’m joking! Chill. Thanks for the book. See you later, man”

Then he left to go to his morning lesson. Isak was left completely flabbergasted. Even just laughed low and amusedly.

“Panties in a twist, huh? See you later, Isak, gotta go as well”

And then he left as well, leaving Isak to pick up the pieces of his dignity. As he made his way to his own lesson, he realised Even never got to finish his sentence.

-

Tuesday 10.54

Even Kosegruppa: _I’m probs going to th party. Pre-party together?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol. me being swedish, of course i had to quote a swedish song. no shame (y'  
> the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlHUqc_2sjc
> 
> idk rly about this chapter. idk abt anyth. but p-chris is back? is he back to stay? who knows. i dont know. i'm making this up as i go. also, cardamom. 
> 
> as always are comments higly appreciated xxxx
> 
> love,   
> tove


	7. filler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry... i suck... it had been like two months idk... two yrs. i have no excuse but blamingg it on my mental health and school life. oops. didn't know what to call this title so. let's just be honest and callit what it is. what this whole fkn fanfic is. a fucking filler. fuck me
> 
> ALSO: SKAM S4

Thursday 02.44

Isak hasn't seen or heard from Even after the text about the party, even though he had replied with (what he hoped had been) a nonchalant acceptance. He tried to not let it bother him too much though, since the older boy seemed to be quite busy at times. Jonas hadn't mentioned the older boy, seemingly satisfied with knowing the name of Isak's new acquaintance, and he also seemed completely oblivious of how badly he had embarrassed Isak by his little joke. Isak couldn’t even find the energy to call him out on it, since his friend was, well, an idiot.

Nonetheless, Isak thought things were going pretty stable right now. He was used to feel embarrassed or shy around the older boy, so now he simply shrugged it of. Even didn’t seem to mind his awkwardness, so why should he even bother? Still, thinking such were little help as he woke up yet another night with a very apparent hard-on from a vivid and wet dream, again.

Isak made a disgruntled sound as he woke from the dream, turned-on and ashamed. But how embarrassed he even felt because of his dirty thoughts of another boy, he couldn’t help but get off to the thought of Even holding him down, touching him with his warm fingers, making him feel good… Isak groaned, but now he was way too deep to actually care. He did try to think about the hot girls from the third grade, which his friends liked to dream about, but his mind couldn’t help but wander back to another particular third-grader. And the thought of the older boy was what finally pushed him over the edge.

-

Thursday 11.53

The day had almost fast-forwarded around him, and Isak suddenly found himself with his boys in the school cafeteria again, eating a sandwich. After his very vivid dream, he hadn't really been able to find sleep again, way too worked up over his mind. He was tired.

"... you see, Isak?"

Isak lifted his head from where it had almost rested on his toast, when he heard his name being called. Jonas looked expectantly at him, and Isak could feel a weird sense of déjà vu.

Isak felt himself scowling from confusion and fatigue, and gritted out a husky,

"What!"

This has Mahdi and Magnus turning to him as well. Mahdi asked him in a sarcastic tone,

"Jeez, man. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?"

Magnus nodded, and continued with a suggestive tone, while wiggling his eyebrows,

"Or... rough night? Huh"

Nail on the head, and Isak almost flinched. He took a minute to calm himself down, reassuring himself that it was no way they knew how his head sometimes had divergent thoughts about other boys. It was only light joking. He took a breath, still feeling warm on his cheeks.

"Nah. Just sleepy... my roommate brought home a guy. Thin walls"

Jonas and Mahdi just made pitiful faces, while Magnus gasped out,

"Jeez. The gay one? Sounds rough!"

Jonas looked at Isak and rolled his eyes, causing him to almost break out in a smile. He shrugged slightly, ignoring the outburst, while asking Jonas,

"Anyway, you were saying?"

Jonas creased his brows, turning to his empty plate as if the answer lay among the bread crumbles, before turning his gaze back to Isak.

"Don't remember, bror. You're way too slow at picking up, please fix your ears".

Isak jabbed him in the arm.

-

Thursday 14.37

Isak was walking alongside Jonas to the tram stop. They were mainly talking about what they had planned for the Halloween break, which now was just around the corner. When they passed by the school gates, Jonas suddenly made an “ _aha_ ”-noise, causing Isak to pause in his sentence and turn to his friend.

"Oh right. During lunch."

Isak nodded to his best friend, showing he had his attention.

"That third year-gutta was looking at you during lunch. He looked like he wanted to say something”

Isak blinked at his friend.

“Jeez, how could you forget something like that in a few minutes? Memory of a goldfish?”

Jonas smiled lazily, rolling his eyes. He slowed down, as they now had reached the place where they parted.

“Told you now, didn’t I? Whatever. See you tomorrow”.

They waved as they went different ways, one going for the trams, the other for the short walk to their house. Isak picked up his phone from his pocket, but as he was going to write a message to the older boy he found the device dead. Isak gritted his teeth and put it back into his pocket again.

When Isak finally got home and had put his phone into the charger, he could finally send the text.

Isak: _didn't see you during lunch. What was it?_

-

Thursday 21.33

Even Kosegruppa: _forgot my phone at my house tday. Tty tmrw, face2face._

-

Friday 11.03

Today Isak found himself waiting in the queue to the cafeteria on his own. His friends had bailed on him, since they all had got off class early after writing a test they had had for their class. At times like this, Isak wished he had picked the same course as Jonas, but it was no use. They had different goals in life, and at least their schedules didn’t differ too much.

In front of him was Sana, the only one he bothered to speak to in his class. They weren’t really close though, even though the narcotics-situation somehow had made them partners and a bit closer to being “friends”. But as she had bought her lunch, she excused herself from his side and walked to her friends. Eva was there as well, and she did nod to him when their eyes met. He didn’t really have time to reflect on it too much, since it was his turn to pay. He bought a toast, as usual.

As he sat down, mindlessly eating his toast while playing around on his phone, someone pulled out the chair in front of him.

“Halla, you eating on you own today?”

Isak raised his head to meet with a pair of striking blue eyes. Even was sitting across the table, with a fruit in his hand.

Isak locked his screen, and nodded at the older boy.

"Yeah, the boys left me hanging"

Even raised his eyebrows, a smile flickering over his lips. He shrugged, and took a bite out of his red apple. His teeth were really white.

"My luck, I suppose"

Isak had to wait to hear what he meant until the older boy had swallowed his bite. He seemed in no hurry though, as he chewed his piece thoroughly. His sharp jaws moved mechanically. Isak aimlessly picked a corner of his sandwich and put into his mouth. The cheese had no taste.

Even smiled as he put down his apple, the juice glittered on his lips; almost as if daring Isak to do something about it. But Even saved him from his sudden compulsion, when he opened his mouth to speak.

"Alright, tonight, at yours or mine?"

Isak blinked, before remembering the Halloween party.

"My roommates are probably home... would it be ok to be at yours?"

Even nodded, and got up from the table. As he walked from the cafeteria toward the exit, past Isak, he put a hand on his shoulder. Isak met his eyes, feeling the heat through his thin bomber jacket.

"I'll text you later, see you tiger”

Isak's toast had gone cold before he could snap out enough to actually eat it.

-

Friday 19.44

Isak found himself in front of the mirror, half his wardrobe on the floor and wearing nothing but a pair of bleached black jeans. He picked up a white t-shirt with an Adidas-print, holding it in front of him. He sighed, and let it fall to the ground. _Not good_ , he thought to himself.

Staring into the mirror, with his bare chest, he couldn’t help but scowl at how skinny he was. He felt self-conscious at times like this, observing his lean and pale limbs. Almost like a girl’s… and that was how Eskild found him, as he uninvited and without knocking barged into his room – Isak scowling at himself, while half-naked.

“Isak!”  
As the older boy entered his room, Isak almost shrieked, picking up the nearest shirt to shield his body from the eyes of his roommate. Eskild paused in the door.

“… What are you doing?”

Isak put on the shirt, feeling embarrassed but not wanting it to show. He grimaced.

“What do you want, Eskild?”

Eskild smirked at him, but let it go as Isak’s scowl grew wider.

“Anyway, I was just going to ask if you got plans for today?”

Isak raised one eyebrow.

“Yeah, it’s Halloween”.

Eskild nodded.

“Well, you know, Linn is away, and… what I’m trying to say, I’ve got plans”.

Isak shrugged, not really catching up.

“Ok, good for you?”

Eskild tilt his head, smiling a bit before backing to the door again. He paused before going over the threshold.

“Yeah, what I mean is that I might get lucky tonight, so if you could sleep at a friends it would be sweet. But it’s your choice, Isak”.

Isak groaned as Eskild closed the door, he could hear the man’s laughter through the door. He shook his head as his phone made a sound. Jumping onto the bed, he picked it up.

Even: _come over whenever. I got the beer. Ive also got some hideous devil’s horns, u know, so were festive nd such_

Unwillingly, Isak’s cheeks heat up. He sat up, taking out the charger from his phone. Looking into the mirror from where he was situated, he saw what shirt he had put on. It was light grey and the print was a piece of lyrics from a Blink 182-song. _Hello there, the angel from my nightmares_. Isak shrugged, and found it good enough for the occasion.

He got up from his bed, his phone in hand, and started typing back.

Isak: _I’ll get going soon, then. I’ve got no theme what so ever, so I might take you up on that devil-offer lol._

He looked at himself in the mirror again, before putting on a hood and grabbing his blue bomber jacket. He hadn’t really bothered to do anything with his hair, but then again Even did seem to like it naturally and unruly. The thought made Isak smile.

Even: _can’t wait to see u as a devil jeez_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope it was good enough orz  
> this chapter was originally going to be like 4000 words, but i cut it in half lol. i'll try to update in at least a week,, i think i know somewhat what to write. uhm. sorry if this was boring. also i'm pretty sure this ain't my beta-ver. bc my computer enjoys deleting files. lovely
> 
> isak u beautiful
> 
> but, as always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated <3<3  
> love,  
> tove xoxo


	8. ain't my fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but season 4 y'all.

Friday 21.56

Isak had been tipsy before he even arrived at Even’s house, downing a beer with Eskild before leaving the condo. At Even’s apartment he had been handed a bottle as soon he had passed the door, which soon enough had became three bottles and a shared joint, so he was sure of the fact that he now was a goner. Still, Isak had never felt so clear in his mind before.

He and Even was sitting on the tram, heading for the party. They were both wearing devil horns, which for some reason was hilarious to both of them. Isak felt relaxed as he seldom did; the older boy had that effect on him. He was so funny, and handsome.

Even was talking about some band he had recently discovered, and Isak just listened to his dark voice and watched how his face moved as he spoke. His blue eyes lit up as he spoke about this matter he really was interested in. It wasn’t long until Isak totally had lost focus on the subject, and just simply observed the boy. The pale skin and his light hair against his black clothes created a contrast, mesmerizing for Isak to view.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his lap, and realised how close their faces were. Isak realised he should probably move away, but he didn’t really care. His drunken mind quite enjoyed the close view.

He whispered to Even, no need to speak up with his face so close to his own.

“What?”

Even raised both his eyebrows, a smile on his lips. His hand on Isak’s lap felt like a thousand fires. His skin was so warm compared to Isak’s coldness.

“I said, we’re getting off next stop”

Isak nodded at him, but neither Even nor Isak moved, neither further away from each other or up from the sets, until the tram had stopped and the doors had opened. As they got up, Isak could swear that Even put some extra pressure on his leg before letting go and walking out of the tram.

-

Friday 22.51

The music was loud.

Isak made a gesture about going to get some more beer from the kitchen, and got up from the sofa. He glanced back at the older boy, who smiled at him. He turned his face away; weirdly satisfied with knowing the third-year was watching him as he walked.

When he reached the kitchen, he pressed his body through the groups who were hanging around the booze. He got to the fridge, took out two bottles, and closed it again. As he was about to walk back to Even he looked at the brand of the beer, diverting his focus from his surroundings, which caused him to bump into someone.

“Oh, jeez, sorry—Sana?”

Sana was in front of him, looking fierce with a dark purple lipstick and black eyeliner. He paused for a second as she nodded to him.

He tried to make small talk, suddenly a bit worried about being seen with Even by his classmates. Which, frankly, was silly, since the party mainly consisted of people from Nissan.

“Didn’t know you drank…”

Sana rolled her eyes and raised the bottle in her hand. It was a _Fanta_.

“Of course I don’t. But someone’s got to take care of these people”.

She gestured behind her, and Isak saw the girls. Eva saw him too, and she dragged Vilde and Chris up to him. She laughed a bit drunkenly, throwing her arms around him.

“Isak!”

Isak leaned back, awkwardly patting her back.

“Hi, Eva…”

She backed off and smiled at him. She was wearing a black crown on her head. He nodded at Vilde and Chris, and saw that neither of them had actually dressed up much, when Eva caught his attention again.

“Oh, right, Isak… I saw you with someone before! Who’s that cutie? A third-year? Lucky!”

Isak made a grimace, coughed awkwardly into his sleeve. He could feel a bit of panic rise up in his chest, but before he could reply, she continued.

“So I guess that means you’re not here with Jonas?”

Isak shook his head.

“No, sorry”

Eva looked ready to say something, but Isak quickly interrupted her.

“Now, this has been fun, catching up, but if you excuse me…”

Isak could hear he was rambling, but Eva only laughed, with a playful pout. But Sana just observed him with a nonplussed expression. He shrugged at her, but she still looked at him weirdly. Isak shrugged a second time, and walked away with an awkward wave. He could here Eva laugh behind his back.

When he finally arrived to the sofa, Even smiled.

“Took you long enough. Who was the girl?”

Isak didn’t reply until he had sat down next to Even and given him one of the bottles. He let out a sigh as he replied.

“My old best friend…”

He glanced at Even. He wore a strained expression, with one of his eyebrows raised, as if quietly asking him to continue.

“She used to date my best friend, Jonas”.

Isak saw how the older boy’s expression changed from an almost annoyed one to one full of relief.

“That’s… that’s nice”.

For one second Isak felt caught off guard, was he hallucinating? But the look on Even’s face had obviously gone from almost jealous to relieved. Isak bit his lip before breaking into a smile and replying.

“Yeah, it is…”

Isak couldn’t get the smile off his face as he turned his gaze to open his bottle, he still smiling as he took a sip. Even wore a similar expression on his face.

-

Friday 23.16

After twenty minutes of just sitting on the sofa, watching both each other and the people around them, Even had stood up from the sofa and said that it was time for a smoke. And Isak had agreed. Walking through the bodies to the backside of the house did take some effort, but nonetheless it was a great excuse to be close to the other boy. Isak had his hand on the back of the older boy’s forearm most of the walk, grazing the muscles subtly. Even didn’t seem to mind, neither did he say anything; he simply looked back at Isak a few times, with a smile on his lips.

As they reached the outside of the house, Even lit his joint. The music could be heard muffled though the walls of the house, due to the cold there wasn’t anyone out there but the two of them.

Even sighed as he took a drag of the joint. The look one his face was one of total pleasure.

> _I can’t talk right now, I’m looking and I like what I see_
> 
> _Got me feeling kinda shocked right now_

Even passed him the joint, and Isak took it. He took a deep breath, feeling the high coming over him as soon as he let it reach his lungs. He kept his eyes on the older boy, watching as he took another sip of his beer, noticing how it left flickering moist on his plum lips; noticing how good he looked when he licked the beads of beer of his lips.

> _It ain’t my fault (no no no no)_
> 
> _It ain’t my fault (no no no no)_

As he passed it backed to Even, their hands met and Isak felt electricity go through his body, causing him to flinch, which then caused him to drop the joint. Isak swore, crouching down, to save it before it died out in the moist grass. But Even had also gotten down on one knee, thinking the same thing.

All of a sudden they were close again, their hands touching over the joint. Even looked at him, and Isak stared right back. The joint died in the grass, but it was forgotten to the two boys. They only had eyes for each other, staring into each other’s eyes.

Time stopped. Or, rather than stopping, it slowed down. When Isak vaguely saw how the hand of the older boy moved toward his face, he couldn’t help but let out a nervous giggle. The older boy just kept his concentrating expression, as his hand found its’ place on Isak’s cheek. The hot palm met his cold skin, and Isak felt himself unconsciously lean into the touch. His heart felt like it was beating too, too fast, from the way Even was staring at him, intense, as if Isak was a puzzle he was trying his best to figure out. As if Isak wasn’t like an open book, awkward and weird, as if it wasn’t the older boy who was hard to figure out.

As the older boy got closer, Isak felt Even’s breath ghosting over his lips, and he knew that he could just move one centimetre, and they would make contact. Just one centimetre, and he would finally know what it felt like, know how it felt to kiss a person who made you feel crazy, totally messed up. Just another centimetre. He saw a little smile on Even’s face, from where he had paused in front of Isak’s face, waiting for a reply, a confirmation, and when he got it, the smile grew even wider. Isak swallowed, knowing it was just another centimetre, and –

“Even?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???? who may that be.
> 
> i might start to update twice a month from now onwards,, mostly so I don't take monthly pauses all the time ahaha. but yeah. hope this was good enough. i love sana but i'm bad at writing her. or, i'm a bit lazy. i don't know
> 
> as always, comments and kudos. me likey. <3<3
> 
> love,   
> tove


	9. nothing but a friend

Friday 23.23

“Even?”

At the sound of the voice Isak reacted immediately, scooting back from the older boy as if he’d been burned. The fast motion, combined with his rigid limbs, caused him to fall on his ass in the damp grass. His heart was beating like crazy, his head a mess.

He glanced up at Even, who had his face turned to the person who had spoken. The older boy hadn’t moved an inch after they’d been interrupted, wearing an annoyed expression. Isak screamed internally, _interrupted? Had they really been about to…_ He felt a strong urge to smack himself in the face, but instead he looked to the person whom had spoken Even’s name. He had to do a double take. It was a girl, tall and beautiful. She had her hand on her hip and was wearing a worrisome expression directed toward Even.

Even still looked annoyed and had that closed-off look on his face.

When he spoke he sounded monotone.

“Sonja”.

Even picked up the burnt out and wet joint from the ground and got up on his feet. Isak awkwardly was still sitting on his ass in the grass, looking back and forth between the two people.

“What are you doing here?”

The girl – Sonja – sighed at him. She rearranged her arms and crossed them over her chest.

“Lovisa told me you’d be here. It’s quite urgent, and I haven’t seen you in a little while”

She paused.

“You’ve been avoiding me”.

She then turned to Isak, as if noticing him for the first time. Isak had now gotten up from the grass, with a damp behind and a heavy mind. She smiled at him.

“Hi. I’m Sonja”.

She gave no explanation to who she was, only smiled again. Isak just awkwardly nodded back.

“Name’s Isak…”

Sonja smiled at him, before speaking up again.

“Sorry, I have some business with Even… I didn’t know he had a friend with him”.

Isak just nodded.

“Well… yeah. I’m probably going home anyway”.

He heard Even starting to protest as he turned, but Isak just paused and faked a smile at him. He didn’t know of it looked genuine, but he wasn’t sure he really cared. His mouth tasted bitter, as if he’d eaten something weird.

“It’s cool. See you, Even. Wouldn’t want to disturb anyhow”.

Even looked exhausted, but he simply nodded.

“Yeah… I’ll text you”.

As Isak heard the two starting to chat behind him, noticing the way they seemed so familiar with each other, too familiar, he felt sick to his stomach. Suddenly the high wasn’t calming, but choking. He walked into the house, through the sea of bodies once again. But this time he was alone and filled with fatigue.

-

Saturday 09.34

Isak didn’t know how he’d gotten home the night before, but he did wake up in his bed the next morning. His head was hurting badly as he sat up and checked the time. As he picked up the phone, no notifications, it all came back to him. He groaned. _Who was that girl…_ Isak felt sick to his stomach.

He could still recall the feeling of the older boy’s warm hand on his cheek, the way those eyes had lingered on his lips, when he had leaned in… and then she had interrupted. Had she? Was it only his wishful, dirty hopes that had caused him to imagine that the older boy was actually going to kiss him? Did it matter? There she had been, beautiful, knowing Even, probably having history with him, and who was Isak? A weird kid with weird thoughts? Isak wanted to punch himself, knock the miserable feelings out of his head. But instead, he lay down again, closed his eyes and tried to block it out.

-

Sunday 18.44

Even: _sry I have been busy, too late to say I hope u got home safely?_

Isak’s phone made a noise as he put his pizza into the microwave. He picked it up while he fixed the countdown on the device, unconsciously grimacing as he read it. _Yeah, sure, whatever you did with whoever that took you like two days to do_. His petty thoughts only deepened his grimace. This didn’t go unnoticed by his roommate, Eskild.

“What’s with you?”

Isak almost dropped his phone as he heard the man’s voice. Their eyes met and Isak almost felt his cheeks heat up. Thankfully, the microwave rang just then, so he could turn around and post-phone his answer for another minute. He took out the pizza from the cartoon and picked a plate from the cupboard. He paused for a second, but then decided to save dishes and eat it by hand instead of with a fork and knife.

When he turned around, the plate in his hand and back against the kitchen counter, Eskild was still watching him. Isak rearranged his face into an unimpressed expression and simply shrugged.

“What, it’s nothing”.

Eskild looked suspicious, but let it go. Behind Isak, the phone vibrated again. He forced himself to start eating the pizza instead of checking it again.

-

Monday 09.07

Isak was late.

He rushed over the school grounds while furiously checking the time every other minute. He hadn’t been able to sleep at all the night before, and had then slept through his alarms, causing him to oversleep. As he got into school, he slowed down. He had about seven minutes to pick up his books by his locker, which he figured he could make without running through the corridors.

When he rounded the corner to his locker, he had to do a double take. Even was leaning on his locker, seemingly deep into thought and with a small sneer on his face. Other than him, the corridor was completely empty. Isak realised he had stopped, and took up the pace again. As he got closer, the older boy looked up and his troubled expression changed into a relieved one.

“Halla”.

Isak stopped in front of him, his hurry to class forgotten.

“Hi…”

Even straightened his lean body from the position he had been in, and started slightly tapping the locker door. _Do-doom, do-doom, do-doom._ If Isak hadn’t known better, he had said that the older boy looked nervous, biting into his lip, but that felt too uncharacteristic for him. Why would he even be nervous?

Even let out a small cough.

“Glad to see you. Thought I had missed you…”

Isak was the one who felt nervous. He hadn’t replied to Even’s two messages he had sent during the Sunday evening, frankly he had felt almost annoyed with him. But that was forgotten now. Again, he felt himself lost in the sight of the older boy. He had to bow his head down, to not let it show. After all, Even wasn’t like that. Probably.

It was a pause, and he realised that maybe Even was expecting him to say something. He raised his head again.

“Well, no… why?”

Even raised both his eyebrows, bit his lip again. Isak had to avert his eyes again.

“What I wanted was, well… about Sonja”

Isak almost got a whiplash from the way he reacted at the mention of the blonde girl he had met the same weekend. Even once again looked nervous. Isak awkwardly scratched the side of his head.

“Oh, yeah. The pretty girl from Friday…”

Isak felt his face heat up from thinking about the night. He just nodded.

He heard the slight sound of the older boy sighing.

“She’s my best friend”

Isak felt awkward again, glancing up at the boy in front of him. He wasn’t looking at Isak. He cleared his throat.

“Ok?”

Even turned his face slightly, and met his eyes. This time Isak didn’t turn away, but stared back into them. Isak suddenly hated how he couldn’t read the older boy at all.

Even sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds before looking at him again.

“What I’m trying to say… I’m sorry?”

Isak blinked. Suddenly he felt like the older boy was a bit more open, he could get a glimpse of something in his eyes. Was he really nervous?

They just stared into each other’s eyes, Isak trying hard to get a grip around the things he could vaguely find in the older boy’s blue orbs. He didn’t even realise he had spoken, too caught up in observing Even’s face.

“It’s ok”.

When Even’s face lit up, in a far too bright smile, Isak realised he had in fact replied. Even looked at him as though he had just offered him a million crowns, and though Isak felt it a bit too much, he couldn’t avert his eyes. The smiling man in front of him was both blinding and contagious, soon Isak felt his own mouth corners turn upward, until they both were just smiling dumbly at each other, in the empty corridor. Eventually Even coughed a bit, still with a smile on his face, and talked.

“Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say… she’s nothing but a friend”

Isak still smiled while he nodded, a bit flustered by the “just friend”-bit. _Don’t read too much into it_. Even smiled again.

“So… what’s the time?”

Isak froze, his rush to class suddenly forgotten the same second he saw the older boy. He hesitantly picked up his phone. 09.28. He almost hit himself in the head.

He took a deep breath.

“Ah, fuck, my class started fifteen minutes ago… shit”

When he heard a soft chuckle in front of him, he looked up again.

“Well, do you want to get out of here?”

Isak paused. He didn’t like to skip, but then again he would still be marked as absent for the full lesson even if he went there now… and thinking about it, he didn’t want to go anyway.

He scratched his cheek for a second before replying, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Sure?”

Who cares about civics really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this really boring? I can't tell.
> 
> sorry for not updating frequently, idk. i can't write when i'm in a low mood. hopefully i'll soon become hyperactive!!! maybe then this story will go somewhere.   
> lol also i'll probably have to take a hiatus from this, i write on my school computer and since i'll soon graduate, i won't be able to write until i get a new one. if i don't update before the end of may, then it will probaably be somewhere in june, or well, when i've bought a new one. 
> 
> love,   
> tove xoxo


End file.
